Family of Four

Marrying Younger Men?

An article in THE STAR dated 17 October stared me in the face! Its headline screamed out on page N3: Women over 30 prefer to marry younger men.

What? I can’t believe my eyes!

Reading on, it said one Aminah Abdul Rahman from the National Family Development and Population Board, stated that “educated woman above 30 years old were marrying younger men.” More astounding and incredulous was her additional revelation that the women married younger men even though these men were “financially unsound and are less educated.”
Apparently, she had based her conclusion on a working paper prepared by Associate Professor Tey Nai Peng of Universiti Malaya entitled, “Marriage and Family Development in Malaysia”.

I was shell shocked! Dumb-founded! Is this really happening? Here in Malaysia? Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher!

On further reflection, I do believe unmarried educated woman actually have fewer choices in getting a mate in their age group. This is so as those who would have met their criteria would mostly be married by then. Their next best option would be to look for a man in a similar age group, most likely a divorcee or a widower. The other possibility will be an older man looking for a wife.

To marry a younger man who is financially unsound and less educated is hard to believe! Very improbable and unacceptable in the Chinese community, at least. Family pride and honour will certainly get in the way. Any China man worth his salt will not want to play second fiddle in the family. It is mandatory for him to earn more to be able to take a wife. As such, taking a wife who earns more than him is a fat no! no! from the start. I would not comment on the other communities.

The conclusion that women actually preferred younger man for marriage partners may be questionable. Misleading. I think as age catches up, the 'field has become so much smaller with so few players' for unmarried educated women. As such it is more an issue of less choice.

Human beings need companionship and intimacy at certain times of their life; more so when they start working life. The society at large expects a woman to get hitched once she has secured a job. So these women have to take calculated risks if they desire marriage. At that age, they become vulnerable and would open themselves to all sorts of suggestions. The best and most respectable form is by way of introductions by friends and relatives.

I am of the opinion that women marrying younger men are an exception and not the rule. I believe it will not result in a trend. In this case, I think it just happens to be so because of the sampling group. If you should interview another group, you may just possibly come to another conclusion.

I also do not aim to question the methodology of the literati who did the study. Anyway, what I am saying here is that the result and conclusion of a study is directly related to the research methodology employed. I am not sure of how representative is the sampling group used or how extensive the sampling size is.

However, this is my take.

These women have little choice of selecting a mate after leaving the gates of their campuses. Being practical people,they have lowered their cross-hairs criteria-wise. Mind you; no toy-boy situation here. Definitely not a preference! We cannot draw that conclusion as yet. A further study may have to be done. We may need a time series to test this to ensure it is a sustainable conclusion.

Dr.Tey’s study also revealed that about 30% of the respondents in his study who were not married are Chinese girls. Least are the Malays at half that number. My say. Even genuine ugly ducklings find their equals. Look around on any campus ground and you will find this to be true. Water finds its own level. The average Joe finds the average Jane attractive. A sustaining relationship of the heart transcends physical beauty. Appropriacy and practicality must be the key criteria in finding a lover on campus.

I think on hindsight, few will disagree with me that many average Chinese Janes were too choosy. They thought they were all young and ravishing like a sultry Maggie Q or a charming Zhang Ziyi. And that they deserved much, much more. They dreamt of dating and marrying a Hollywood clone or a Hong-Kong star!

Then we have the other group who will not be seen out with a geek. It would seem that by going out with a geek will permanently devalue their ‘standard’ and damage their reputation. Open your eyes, my dear... There are more geeks than jocks on campus. Not every one can get those jocks. The more pretty faces with Baywatch figures, either on campus or off campus normally win hands down here. Also you must be able to bite the bullet when your virile looking lovers leave you for fresher faces! For your information, most of these jocks have been changing partners since SPM days. Go out on dates. You may love the geeks. They can be downright funny, enjoyable company and adorable beneath that bland veneer of normalcy.

Once you leave the campus, you would have the workplace to find a mate. Then, the networking route-customers and clients. A chance meeting at a seminar or workshop is a likely possibility. The e-mail and SMS will certainly be useful here.

If after all these opportunities have opened up and you still cannot find a mate, then go to those matchmaking events like the ones in which Wanita MCA hosts from time to time. Also, keh poh chee relatives and friends of your parents might lend a hand by introducing ‘a friend’s son who has just graduated some time back and (luckily for you) is looking for a life partner.’

Then there is the internet. That is available now.

If all fails, pray to God. He knows you even before you knew Him. Look to him...... He has the answer for you.

Quote of the Day:

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how
compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.” Leo Tolstoy

Heartsong-Heartstrong